What stress is and is not 17
The secret of managing stress: control
The importance of control
The fact that the symptoms of what we call ‘stress’ arise from
your internal response is good news. If it is something inside
ourselves, then it is also something that we can control. And if
there is one single concept that sums up the source of stress and
its solution, it is control. Stress comes from feeling that we do
2 Pressure to work harder
3 Poor resources (equipment, processes, materials)
4 Colleagues
5 Travel
6 Long or antisocial hours
Change stressors
1 Injury or illness
2 Traumatic experience
3 Death or illness of a loved one
4 Pregnancy or a new baby
5 Job loss or retirement
6 Moving home
Relationship stressors
1 Divorce, separation or relationship breakdown
2 Marriage or moving in with a partner
3 Major decisions and disputes
4 Sexual problems
5 Major holidays and festivals
6 Parent–child problems
18 brilliant stress management
not have control and we solve it by
regaining control – control of our-
selves, control of our fear, control of
our impulses and even control of our
environment.
In Figure 1.4, it is the things that concern you, but that you
cannot control, which cause you stress. Brilliant stress manage-
ment is about two things:
1 Focusing on the things that you can control, while
accepting what you cannot.
2 Testing the boundaries to extend your zone of control to its
fullest extent.
stress comes from
feeling that we do not
have control
© Mike Clayton, 2011
Things I can
control
Things I cannot
control
Me
Figure 1.4 Control in your life
Choice
How you respond to stress is your choice. The one source of all
your feelings of being stressed is your mind. The stress does not
What stress is and is not 19
do the damage – rather, it is the way you respond to it that does
the damage, or not.
Four failures to control
Before we look at taking control, which will ll the rest of this
book, let’s start by recognising the ways people nd to relinquish
control over their lives. Each one is a way to avoid responsibility
for our own stress.
Denial
‘There is no problem’, ‘I am in control’, ‘it’s only temporary’.
How often have you heard yourself deny what you know deep
down: you are in trouble. But don’t be too hard on yourself:
denial is the rst response we all have to adverse change, so
these responses are totally natural. We’ve spent a lot of this
chapter referring to your ‘ght-or-ight’ response, but the
rst reex we all have when faced with danger is neither ght
nor ight: it is fright. Like a hedgehog facing an articulated
brilliant
example
Think about a dried-up old tree with shallow roots and brittle twigs. If we
put that tree under stress, what will happen? In a strong wind, it may blow
over . . . or it may simply snap in two.
Now think of a mighty oak tree, with deep roots and a solid trunk. In the
same wind, under the same stress, it just does not move. Its roots go deep
into the solid ground and its trunk is strong and confident. Or think of a
thin, supple willow. In the greatest of gales it bends and twists, moving this
way and that, absorbing the stresses without leaving the place it is rooted
to. Each has a different kind of strength – but each is equally strong.
The external stressors in your life are like that gale. How you respond to
them is your choice.
20 brilliant stress management
lorry, we want to curl up into a small ball and hope it goes
away.
Splat!
Withdrawal
If you stay in your little ball and hide from the world, then,
even if you accept you have a problem with stress, you will get
nowhere with controlling it. Locking yourself away may feel
like a positive action – stopping others from being hurt by your
mood swings, perhaps. At the very best, however, it is a tempo-
rary x, not even the start of a real solution.
Blame
Blame is for God and small children.
Louis Dega (played by Dustin Hoffman) in Papillon, screenplay
by Dalton Trumbo and Lorenzo Semple Jr, based on the book by
Henri Charrière
Another reaction that avoids your taking responsibility is to
lay the blame elsewhere: on events, on equipment failures, on
other people. If the source of the problem is not your fault,
then you can excuse yourself the responsibility for its out-
comes. This is a foolish attitude; fault and blame are the wrong
concepts. It is important to understand what the stressors are,
so you can deal with your response to them, and possibly deal
with them directly. But all of the responsibility for yourself lies
with you.
It is important to add, though, that
this does not mean that you must
go it alone. Asking for help is not
shirking responsibility: it is nding a
way to take it.
asking for help is not
shirking responsibility:
it is finding a way to
take it
What stress is and is not 21
Distraction
If all else fails, do something else to put your stresses out of your
mind. If this is part of a reasoned strategy to reduce your stress,
then go ahead. If this is running away from reality, think again!
Seize control
Brilliant stress management is about how you can take control of
your situation and control your stress. The rst three steps are:
1 Own up to your stress.
2 Find someone to talk to.
3 Control your behavioural response to stress.
This is the sequence you should follow and is also in order of
increasing challenge. When you have made good progress on
each of these, you will be able to tackle a range of more powerful
approaches, set out in Chapters 2 to 6. Those chapters are not in
any order, and offer you choices and options. Some will be right
for you, now. Others will serve well at other times or be better
suited to different people in other circumstances.
1. Own up to your stress
Before you can do anything about your stress, you must be abso-
lutely honest with yourself:
How am I feeling?
Which of my behaviours do I not want?
What things are causing me stress?
What is the range of possible consequences?
How bad is it, on a scale of one to ten?
2. Find someone to talk to
Sharing your problem and asking for help is doing something
positive. Turning to a friend, a colleague or a professional for
support can help in two ways:
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