190 brilliant stress management
what you hear as either: good or bad, right or wrong, sensible or
stupid. What you hear is the other person’s reality and what you
think of it should not be a part of your listening process.
Put all of your ideas, prejudices and
opinions to one side. A good way to
do this is to imagine them all encap-
sulated in a little version of you: your
own ‘mini-me’. In your mind’s eye,
imagine putting that little you right in the far corner of the room
or, if you are outside, right to the edge of where you are. See
them grow smaller, as they go off to that far place, where they
are out of earshot and can’t judge what you hear.
Turn off the voice inside
Now you need to turn off that inner dialogue that constantly
prepares the next thing you are going to say, thus drowning out
what you should be hearing. Don’t worry about not being pre-
pared with the right comment or next question: we’ll tackle that
in a little bit. Imagine your inner voice being controlled by an
electronic amplier, with a big volume knob. In your mind, turn
that dial down and down and down until that voice goes silen . . .
Become aware of your listening
As you listen, be aware of your listening; are you paying total
attention? If that inner voice has started up, turn it down. If you
feel yourself criticising or judging, push yourself further away. Is
your body still? If you feel yourself dgeting, then stop. If you are
not turned completely towards the other person, turn to them.
put all of your ideas,
prejudices and opinions
to one side
brilliant
tip
To stop your hands fidgeting, use a meditation technique. If you
are sitting, place your right hand in your lap, palm up, with your
Help others to manage their stress 191
Match and mirror
To get that deep sense of rapport that allows you to really feel
what the other person is saying, start to match their posture.
Do not simply mimic every aspect, but, rather, match a few key
aspects. If you do not have a close personal relationship, avoid
mirroring them, so that your left side copies their right, so they
see you as they would see themselves in a mirror. Instead, match
their left with your left and their right with your right. Mirroring
is far more intimate and will be unsettling if that intimacy is
inappropriate. Matching facial expressions will give you the most
direct insight into their emotions, so notice a frown and try it on,
observe a closing of one eye and test it out. You may be amazed
at how powerfully you can start to understand what is going on
in someone’s head.
Reect, not rephrase
Use the matching and mirroring process with words too, to show
you really understand. Pick up on key phrases and play them
back verbatim. Do not be tempted to paraphrase them, because
your version may not mean exactly the same to them as theirs,
and you will appear to them to have misunderstood.
If you know a phrase was important, but you are not sure
exactly what it did mean, repeat it back and then test your
understanding by rephrasing it in your words and asking if
that is a good way to understand what they said. Here’s an
example.
left hand on top, also palm up. If you are standing, place your right
hand just in front of you or behind your back, and lightly hold your
left hand. If you are left-handed, reverse this.
We tend to fidget most with our dominant hand, so, here, you are
using your other hand to subdue it.
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