174 brilliant stress management
Approach 4: Some give and take
‘I’ll give up something, if you give up something too’ is a good
solution if you need to defuse tension and work towards an
acceptable compromise. It will not leave either party truly happy,
as they survey what they have given up, but neither will it leave
them seriously aggrieved if the parties have behaved fairly. Whilst
Approach 2 is about making unilateral concessions, here they are
balanced, and this approach should satisfy both parties’ needs
for a sense of equity. It is broadly cooperative and can get to
a nal position relatively quickly, once each is in the mood to
concede.
Don’t get too hooked on this approach or it will become a
game that you play – setting up bargains and doing deals. If this
happens, you will associate victory with getting a result, rather
than with getting a good result. This is the equivalent, for nego-
tiators, of selling at a loss.
Approach 5: Go for ‘win-win’
The gold standard for conict reso-
lution is a result where both parties
feel they have won, and got every-
thing they wanted – and more.
Instead of trading concessions as
you do in Approach 4, here you are
looking to add new things to the discussion to create advantages
for each other. This is a time-consuming tactic that takes hard
work and commitment, but the rewards can be huge in building
up trust and respect.
Use this approach when the outcome is very important, and so is
an excellent long-term relationship. It means investing in under-
standing each other and working together collaboratively. There
may well be setbacks along the way and you may seek outside
help in the form of a mediator, to support the process.
the gold standard for
conflict resolution is a
result where both parties
feel they have won