No single approach is always effective in dealing with difficult people. However, we can offer several suggestions that are likely to lessen the angst these people create in your life and may have some influence in reducing their difficult behavior.55

• Don’t let your emotions rule. Our first response to a difficult person is often emotional. We get angry. We show frustration. We want to lash out at them or “get even” when we think they’ve insulted or demeaned us. This response is not likely to reduce your angst and may escalate the other person’s negative behavior. So fight your natural tendencies and keep your cool. Stay rational and thoughtful. At worst, while this approach may not improve the situation, it is also unlikely to encourage and escalate the undesirable behavior.

• Attempt to limit contact. If possible, try to limit your contact with the difficult person. Avoid places where they hang out and limit nonrequired interactions. Also, use communication channels—like e-mail and text messaging—that minimize face-to-face contact and verbal intonations.

• Try polite confrontation. If you can’t avoid the difficult person, consider standing up to them in a civil but firm manner. Let them know that you’re aware of their behavior, that you find it unacceptable, and that you won’t tolerate it. For people who are unaware of the effect their actions have on you, confrontation might awaken them to altering their behavior. For those who are acting purposefully, taking a clear stand might make them think twice about the consequences of their actions.

• Practice positive reinforcement. We know that positive reinforcement is a powerful tool for changing behavior. Rather than criticizing undesirable behavior, try reinforcing desirable behaviors with compliments or other positive comments. This focus will tend to weaken and reduce the exhibiting of the undesirable behaviors.

• Recruit fellow victims and witnesses. Finally, we know strength lies in numbers. If you can get others who are also offended by the difficult person to support your case, several positive things can happen. First, it’s likely to lessen your frustrations because others will be confirming your perception and can offer support. Second, people in the organization with authority to reprimand are more likely to act when complaints are coming from multiple sources. And third, the difficult person is more likely to feel pressure to change when a group is speaking out against his or her specific behaviors than if the complaint is coming from a single source.

Read through this scenario and follow the directions at the end of it:

Your career has progressed even faster than you thought possible. After graduating from college with an accounting degree, you passed your CPA exam and worked three years for a major accounting firm. Then you joined General Electric in its finance department. Two employers and four jobs later, you have just been hired by a Fortune 100 mining company as its vice president for finance. What you didn’t expect in the new job was having to deal with Mark Hundley.

Mark is the vice president of company operations. He has been with the company for eight years. Your first impression of Mark was that he was a “know-it-all.” He was quick to put you down and acted as if he was your superior rather than an equal. Based on comments you’ve heard around the offices, it seems you are not alone. Other executives all seemed to agree that Mark is a brilliant engineer and operations manager but very difficult to work with. Specific comments you’ve heard include “an abrasive attitude”; “talks down to people”; “arrogant”; “thinks everyone is stupid”; “poor listener.”

In your short time in the new job, you’ve already had several run-ins with Mark. You’ve even talked to your boss, the company president, about him. The president’s response wasn’t surprising: “Mark isn’t easy to deal with. But no one knows this company’s operations like he does. If he ever leaves, I don’t know how we’d replace him. But, that said, he gives me a lot of grief. Sometimes he makes me feel like I work for him rather than the other way around.” Describe what you could do to improve your ability to work with Mark.